| Been a while |
[Apr. 15th, 2005|12:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
I'm not perfect.
Sometimes I think I claim to be.
Definitely not with my words, but maybe with my actions.
I feel self-righteous and it sucks...dong.
I'm not a heathen, but I have heathen tendencies.
Having a penis makes me a man.
It also makes me a sinner.
Sometimes I wish it didn't work...until I was married, that is.
As long as it doesn't work to its full potential…
That's all that matters really.
I used to think my heart was broken.
Not hurt-broken. Like my heart really didn't work
(Besides that whole pumping blood thing).
Now I know better.
I don't want other souls on my hands…
I'd probably drop them.
I'm a klutz with those sorts of things.
Disabled people disturb me.
Not so much because they're different, or I feel uncomfortable.
More so because...I'd like to switch places.
I just wish they could not be them for a day.
It sounds bad, I know.
And who am I to say that my life is any better.
If anything, it's probably worse.
But when I...Scratch that...Enough about the unfortunate.
Music is me.
I don't like country music though.
I don't think it's because I don't enjoy it.
I think it's because I haven't liked it for so long.
Oh yeah...And there is no music-part to it.
Teddy Grahams should be more of a hot commodity than they are.
They're cute...and tasty.
There are some things I'd like to ask God.
Guess they'll have to wait.
I hope you're there to hear the answer.
Boy meets world=a classic show that my kids will never know about.
Two others: Fraggle Rock and Salute Your Shorts.
That reminds me...clay pots should be broken more often.
At least by me.
I find myself missing her sometimes.
Laying next to her brings a smile to my face.
So does her smile.
I can smell her sometimes.
Only for a second though.
Then it goes away and I find myself sniffing at nothing.
You ever have that feeling?
What about that feeling that nothing would be if we didn't make it.
Think about it... |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 15th, 2005|12:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Writing... | ] |
I'm not perfect.
Sometimes I think I claim to be.
Definitely not with my words, but maybe with my actions.
I feel self-righteous and it sucks...dong.
I'm not a heathen, but I have heathen tendencies.
Having a penis makes me a man.
It also makes me a sinner.
Sometimes I wish it didn't work...until I was married, that is.
As long as it doesn't work to its full potential…
That's all that matters really.
I used to think my heart was broken.
Not hurt-broken. Like my heart really didn't work
(Besides that whole pumping blood thing).
Now I know better.
I don't want other souls on my hands…
I'd probably drop them.
I'm a klutz with those sorts of things.
Disabled people disturb me.
Not so much because they're different, or I feel uncomfortable.
More so because...I'd like to switch places.
I just wish they could not be them for a day.
It sounds bad, I know.
And who am I to say that my life is any better.
If anything, it's probably worse.
But when I...Scratch that...Enough about the unfortunate.
Music is me.
I don't like country music though.
I don't think it's because I don't enjoy it.
I think it's because I haven't liked it for so long.
Oh yeah...And there is no music-part to it.
Teddy Grahams should be more of a hot commodity than they are.
They're cute...and tasty.
There are some things I'd like to ask God.
Guess they'll have to wait.
I hope you're there to hear the answer.
Boy meets world=a classic show that my kids will never know about.
Two others: Fraggle Rock and Salute Your Shorts.
That reminds me...clay pots should be broken more often.
At least by me.
I find myself missing her sometimes.
Laying next to her brings a smile to my face.
So does her smile.
I can smell her sometimes.
Only for a second though.
Then it goes away and I find myself sniffing at nothing.
You ever have that feeling?
What about that feeling that nothing would be if we didn't make it.
Think about it... |
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| Life story |
[Nov. 14th, 2004|10:29 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thankful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | My own tune | ] |
Been looking for it all her life
She says she wants to fall in love
I'm sick of all the guys that hurt her
The same guys she's sick of
I hope she finds everything she's looking for
I hope he's everything she wants him to be
I hope she finds, she finds true love, finds true love
I hope that she, she finds me
She said, "I'm looking for funny guy"
Then laughed at all the things I said
Then I watched a tear drop from her eye
A tear some other guy made her shed
I hope she finds everything she's looking for
I hope he's everything she wants him to be
I hope she finds, she finds true love, finds true love
I hope that she, she finds me
She wants a guy who's cool, who's perfect
She wants a guy who's smart, who's buff
I'd give everything to be with her
But sometimes, everything just isn't enough
I hope she finds everything she's looking for
I hope he's everything she wants him to be
I hope she finds, she finds true love, finds true love
I hope that she, she finds me
I hope she finds everything she's looking for
I hope he's everything she wants him to be
I hope she finds, she finds true love, finds true love
I hope that she, she finds me
God is in This Place
I've been waiting for so long for God to put you in my life
I've been praying for so long...everyday and every night
And I've been asking for the greatest gift of all
I've been basking in that smile that seems to drive me up the wall
Now you're here and there's nothing I can do
But stand amazed by all the things God made in you
When your eyes meet mine and that smile lights up your face
I’ve got a feeling that God is in this place
I’ve been trying to figure out just what to do
But the only thing that seems to make sense is you
After all is said and done will it be worthwhile
Well I thought it was after I saw you smile
Now you're here and there's nothing I can do
But stand amazed by all the things God made in you
When your eyes meet mine and that smile lights up your face
I’ve got a feeling that God is in this place
God is in this place
Watching over us
God is in this place
Watching over us |
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| grr... |
[Jul. 20th, 2004|11:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Chris Tomlin | ] |
This is where I update you on all the crap going on in my life...Biggest thing I can think of is today was my first time ever surfing (I don't count san diego)...Stupid me decided to forget that my cell phone was in my pocket the whole time...Yeah...It's ruined...But great day...As for everything else...Doesn't really matter...All I can remember is a spent the days with God...And that makes them some of the greatest days of my life...Josh's Final Thought Of The Day:
Things can't always be the same...But that doesn't mean they have to be crap... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 13th, 2004|11:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Nails In Your Hand | ] |
So it's been a while...Guess you could say a lot has happened...But I'll keep it short...Two weeks of camp with amazing people...Awesome...Got kicked in the balls during middle school week (not literally...just God telling my that my pride sucks)...Got kicked in the balls during high school week (literally...Ryan got mad that I pinched his nipple...who knew)...So I'm definitely struggling right now...Not with a sin or anything...But with something that I think God wants me to do...And it's pretty huge...And it affects a lot of people...I just need some prayer from you guys...If you don't mind...Oh yeah...There might be a girl...Shhhhh...Josh's Final Thought Of The Day:
"Pop Ice is one thing, but fruit by the foot? You're taking this addiction to a whole other level. I thought we were just having innocent fun with Pop Ice. But now you're moving on to the heavy stuff."
Staffing Camp would not be the same without the wonders of Pop Ice... |
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| . . . |
[Jun. 18th, 2004|11:50 pm] |
So I decided since I had time tonight that I would go back and read through all my journals...However...I stopped somewhere and April...This is due to the fact that I feel like bawling right now...I feel like falling on my knees and crying my eyes out...I have fallen so far from where I was...From where I was going...And I don't know why...And I don't know how to get back...And it kills me...I had such a fire...Such a passion...I felt His love...I wanted his presence...I longed for his companionship...I prayed...I really really prayed...I was genuine...I was pure...Now...I feel like I'm dead inside...Whitewashed tombs, my friends...GOD, I WANT TO BE BACK IN THAT PLACE!...I want to have that feeling again...I want to be closer to you...Lord, I want you...I want nothing more right now than to hear "well done, good and faithful servant"...But I know that I am so unworthy of that right now...These tears are shed for you, Father...Josh's Final Thought Of The Day:
I'm sorry... |
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| School's Out... |
[Jun. 17th, 2004|10:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  weird | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Third Day: Blind | ] |
I'm trying to decide why it is that I don't feel any different now that school is out...Either A)It doesn't feel like school is out...Or(the more likely) B) I've been treating school like it was over for a while now, so now that it's actually over, it doesn't matter...Either way...School is out...Yippee?...So I haven't updated in a while...Don't really remember anything huge that has happened except the fact that my spiritual life has been in the pits lately...Oh yeah...And my birthday...That was sweet...Specially my 3 different B-day meals (Dinner with Mom, Jess, and DJ)(Lunch with Dad, Jess, and Cassandra)(And breakfast witwh heather)...Oh yeah...I skipped Friday too...And I got a cell phone saturday (576-9495)...Oh...And my dad moved to Maryland...How much does that suck...Yes, you're right...A lot...So I guess a lot has happened since I updated...Well...I guess I'm going to head out...Graduation weekend begins tomorrow...Much love...Josh's Final Thought Of The Day:
(On the voice of God)...If you say no to the voice, you'll just keep saying no, until finally you'll deny that God exists in your life at all... |
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| "They move their butts so fast...It's like magic" |
[Jun. 6th, 2004|12:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Old School Snoop: Gin And Juice | ] |
Quote of the night by Misty Meese refering to black women..."They move their butts so fast...It's like magic"...This week went by really slowly...I worked nonstop...Yesterday was pretty sweet though...Car wash for a couple hours...Home to get ready for prom...Then prom...Very nice stuff...My date had a boyfriend, so everyone was open game...Haha...Our ride got towed though...Apparently when signs say POLICE ONLY...They really mean it...Oh...I had my first black girl experience on the dance floor...I thought I was ok...I mean I can keep up with almost all white girls out there...I'm telling you right now...Black girls are a whole new ballgame...One word...Insane...Haha...I was also awakened to a few other things last night...We'll just leave it at that...Much love to all...Josh's Final Thought Of The Day:
Random Black Girl:White boy's got some moves...
Mark Henson:I taught him everything he knows... |
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| Bow-chic-a-bow-wow |
[May. 31st, 2004|07:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | relaxed | ] |
Eh...This weekend was decent...Work...Work...Church...Chill...Blow up some party...Get danced up on a bit...Chill...Band practice...Chill...It was decent...Josh's Final Thought Of The Day:
"Dude...She's a freshman?!?...That pisses me off." |
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| Boo hoo |
[May. 24th, 2004|11:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | music |
| | I wouldn't be able to hear them with my ears anyway... | ] |
I feel like crap...Somebody pray for me...It hurts really bad and I can't sleep...Josh's Final Thought Of The Day:
"Being sick sucks."
-Anyone who's ever been sick... |
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| "Mr. Gamemaster Sir, can Mike be removed from the game?" |
[May. 23rd, 2004|09:48 pm] |
Men's retreat was kicking...It was tons of fun...ANd it was a nice glimpse of some Godly testosterone...Kinda hard to know what it is to be a godly man when your dad isn't around and your last two youth ministers have dipped...That's all I want right now...To truely know what it is to be a man of God...Josh's Final Thought Of The Day:
Were God to disclose but a little fo that which is seen by saints and angels in heaven, our frail natures would sink under it....Such a bubble is too weak to bear a weight so vast. Alas! No wonder therefore it is said, No Man can see God and life.
-Jonathan Edwards |
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| T-shirts...The death of me... |
[May. 20th, 2004|10:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Casting Crowns: What If His People Prayed | ] |
So one 5-second period of my entire 17-hour and 14 minute day of being awake so far sticks out..."We need to have a word. I can't stand your attitude in class for one more second. Especially when you wear T-shirts that say otherwise"...My heart sank...I entered class having been slapped in the face harder than I've ever been slapped physically...How could I have been so blind...This moment that I am refering to is that which my chorus teacher Mrs. Sunderland was commenting on my "less than par" attitude towards our (as I would have put it this morning) "gay" disney concert we're doing next week (dancing and all)...Tuesday night at 7 at OL for those of you who would like to see me act a fool...Anyhow...I haven't felt worse in a long time...She was totally right...My horrible attitude in class was a reflection of God...And what made it even worse was the "Living Water" Tshirt I was wearing...It made me realize that ever since I started wearing my Jesus T's...I've been that much more of an example...And all those times I-...I don't even want to think of it...But I feel horrible...Completely horrible...I'm heading to bed...Much love...Josh's Final Thought Of The Day:
One so often hears people say, "I just can't handle it," when they reject a biblical image of God as Father, as Mother, as Lord or Judge; God as lover, as angrey or jealous, God on a cross. I find this choice of words revealing, however real the pain they reflect: if we see a God we can "handle," that will be exactly what we get. A God we can manipulate, suspiciously like ourselves, the wideness of whose mercy we've cut down to size.
-Kathleen Norris |
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| "There is a moment in each day that Satan cannot find" -William Blake |
[May. 19th, 2004|09:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
So today's english SOL was a little bit easier than I expected...Expected my 5th grade english SOL to be...But anyhow...School went by pretty quickly...Work came all too fast...But it was decent...I got to read more of this book...And I'm falling in love with my faith...Pretty tired...Probably going to go work on some music stuff soon...Oh yeah.... . . ..Dangit...Stupid women dragging me into conversations...I forgot what the Oh yeah was for...Wait...I remember now...I met this Jeff character today...Only a few of you know what I'm talking about...And I don't even know if those few are reading this...But I met him...Weirdness...Anyhow...I'm off...Much love...Josh's Final Thought Of The Day:
"Whatever faith may be, and whatever answers it may give, and to whomsoever it gives them, every such answer gives to the finite existence of man an infinite meaning, a meaning not destroyed by sufferings, deprivations, or death."
-Leo Tolstoy |
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| Ahhh...The wonders of Schlotzsky's... |
[May. 18th, 2004|09:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | peaceful | ] |
Actually...The only thing I'm really going to mention about work is that my cool manager is gone and work sucked today...Anyhow...I got grounded...Because I was over at Derek's when his parents weren't there...And there were girls there...Not even past curfew...But because I didn't inform her of this...I'm grounded for a week...(Including the weekend that had the camping trip cancelled...So, the first time I've had all three weekend days off since I started working...I'm grounded)...And it wouldn't even bother me this much if I had understood that I was doing something wrong...She has let girls and guys chill at my house without her being here before...I honestly never thought it was a big deal...But apparently it was...And she flipped...And said I've known that I wasn't allowed to be in a house with girls without a parent there...And she said I've known it for a long time...But apparently I didn't...So she must have some facts mixed up a bit...And then she started getting wierd and saying that I have thought about going outside with someone like Jessie and (insert corny smooching noise that your mom would make)...And she also said "Look, I don't think that you guys are having orgies, or jumping from room to room...But you guys are teenagers with hormones"...WHAT THE CRAP IS THAT!?!?!?!?!?...Anyhow...So we got in this half-hour long discussion about the whole thing...And I was super pissed afterwards...But then I went back in my room and started reading this book "Reaching For The Invisible God"...Or something along those lines...And I was immediately calmed down...It once again made me realize that God gives us such a fufilling peace inside no matter what...It was extremely serene...And well...I can't put this book down now...It's really really good...But I must be off...One long day tomorrow...SOL...School...Work...More work(later than usual)...Then sleep...But it is my prayer at this very moment that you would feel the same peace that I'm feeling right now...The same exact unconditional peace...Josh's Final Thought Of The Day:
"God loves you as you are; not as you should be...Because none of us are as we should be..."
-Brennan Manning? |
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| Oh my God!... |
[May. 18th, 2004|03:25 pm] |
|
Oh my God...Is so freaking amazing...I have to go to work now...But I'll fill you in a bit later...Oh yeah...I'm grounded...Oh well...Much love... |
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| Domino Effect |
[May. 13th, 2004|09:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cranky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | My own tune... | ] |
Things seem to be getting busier and busier and more hectic and more hectic...About a month left on my promise to the BMU about the lady folk...Looks like I'll make it fine...It's after that...That's what I'm worried about...But I'm trusting in the Lord to put me in whatever situation I need to be in...I've got to admit though...Ever since I've lost my bible...I haven't been reading at all...And it's destroying my spiritual life...So somebody remind me to pick up a bible at church on sunday...I definitely need to be doing a lot of work on some relationships that are "struggling"(for lack of a better term)...I think one of my main problems is that I don't know how to act around people I'm upset with...It's very frustrating...I've been writing a lot lately...You'll see my latest in my thought of the day...Speaking of that...Let's just jump right to it...Josh's Final Thought Of The Day:
VERSE
You reach out your hand and I turn away
You keep on saying “child, I’m here to stay”
I won’t give up ‘til I have every bit of your heart
VERSE
I watch as a tear drops down from your eye
You sink into my heart with a piercing sigh
Nothing hurts me more than when we are apart
CHORUS1
You are reaching out to me
But I’m blind to things I don’t want to see
You are calling out my name
But I’m drowning in my own shame
CHORUS2
You gave it all up
To throw my sins away
You pull me in tight
When I begin to pray
VERSE
I’m trying so hard to find myself
But I keep refusing to ask for your help
When you’re the one who makes me what I am
VERSE
I hope to God that I turn out right
Because a miracle happened on that “silent night”
That makes me so joyous I can not help but stand
And cry
C1
C2
C1
C2
P.S. Find me a name for this song... |
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| HRT...Let's us be us!... |
[May. 5th, 2004|09:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
So...It's been a few days...I guess you could say a lot has happened...Work this weekend bit...Went to court monday morning...Got my liscense taken away until I ride the bus 30 times...Which actually isn't too bad...But my mom got shafted in the deal because she has to take time out of work to get me to work...So...I'm sorry mom...After I do that and driving school, that ticket gets dismissed...But I've still got a whole other ticket to worry about at the end of June...Monday night was decent...That Lavern guy really didn't say anything important about missions...He just kinda told us about his organization...I thought worship was kickin' though...And it sucked massively when Dan was saying goodbye...Ahhh...Why does he have to go to freakin' weapons' school...The navy is a loser...Anyhow...Movie night at Derek's last night was sweet...Jessie...She makes me laugh...When she's scared of dogs...Roman...Makes me laugh...Period...Today was blah...And I'm thinking about hitting the sack...Josh's Final Thought Of The Day:
I0SecndThrllRide: josh you know what would be cool if you ran blind folded through the forest while holding a really sharp knife
HMWHC president: i'd tell you to go hang yourself...but it might be a waste of time...you snapping the rope and all...
Much love to all... |
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| Ain't no party like an OL party, cause an OL party don't stop...'Til 830...Then people need to go... |
[Apr. 30th, 2004|11:42 pm] |
Well...The next few days are going to be rough...Tomorrow...Band practice...Then work from 12-10...Sunday...Church...Then work from 3-8...Monday...Court...The beggining of the end of my driving days...Soon...My insurance will be too much for me to afford...And I won't be driving...For a while...Even when I do get my liscense back...I don't know how I'll get to work...Oh wait...I won't need to work...Becuase I won't have any car stuff to pay for...Who knows...This could be a blessing in disguise...Much love to all...And throw a prayer up to the BMU for JDB?...Josh's Final Thought Of The Day:
"Isn't ostentatious kind of a big word for a kindergardner?" |
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| Yes Mas'a |
[Apr. 28th, 2004|10:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Poo | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Chris Rice: To Say I Love You | ] |
WORK SUCKED! AND MY HOURS THIS WEEKEND SUCK!...Somebody lift up a pray that I will keep my cool over this work week from the anti-Christ's "hood"...Josh's Final Thought Of The Day:
Job 31:1- I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl.
What a man of God... |
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| Is making out a sin? |
[Apr. 27th, 2004|10:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Wet... | ] |
| [ | music |
| | None... | ] |
Our question of the day coming from one of our "regular" readers...And I will reitterate my reply...No...Making out is not a sin...Kissing is (for lack of a better term) a beautiful thing...Something which I have for many years downplayed on the importance scale...However...When making out becomse "hot and heavy", there are definitely some lustful thoughts that come into play...And that my friends is where the sinful part comes in...
Now...For today's recap...I don't remember much about what happened in school...But afterwards was quite enjoyable...First, a bit of tennis...Then, a bit of walking to the softball field with the entire First Colonial softball team (I felt cool for a hot sec)...Then, a bit more tennis...Afterwards, watched FC get wailed on, only to have the game called one out away from being official...The rain only delayed the inevitable...After getting soaked...Spent a bit with Big Papa...If you know what I mean...Then headed to the soccer game...Much fun...Now, I am removing my soggy socks...What fun...Josh's Final Thought Of The Day:
CoRtNey WiNteRs: well next game, i pr0mise, we wil be siiting side by side
If only things like this meant something... |
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